Exhausted. Hopeless. Pain in my chest and cramps in my stomach. I don't wanna move but it would seem i have to. My body is stiff from fighting and stress dreams. Damn another night like that. Damn another morning like this. Im exhausted. Why is it so hard to merely exist? Was I placed in this situation or did I do it to myself? I hate everything. What is there good to give a fuck about? Everything that exists is merely a time filler until we die. All we ever do is prepare a life for those after us, but so do they.
Im tired of the monotony. Im tired of the rat race.
But more importantly Im tired of fighting for an invisible life when theres a chance that itll never exist. All ive ever wanted is a roof over my head and peace within the walls. 8 hours in a comfortable bed, food in my stomach, and maybe some wisdom to find acceptance of my existence. You cant promise me that those basic human needs will ever happen for me, nor can i promise it to myself. We can strive and fight for everyday that we're still here bit we can never promised that anything will change for the better. Just fuck me okay? Fuck me, and fuck you, and fuck them, and fuck for fuck sake.

Just a quick confession before I get back to browsing: I'm in such a mood to much on some pussy. The idea of my lips tingling as I touch them to hers and press her beautiful clit between them. Thinking about her juices around my mouth and coating my tongue is driving me crazy. Idk is it just me or do you ever crave eating a girl out??

Dear Diary,
I let the devil back in. I know I can't trust him and I know that its not safe. I know that I'm doing it to myself. But lord knows that I want it, and I crave it, and I probably actually need it. To say I'm not afraid of the karmedic consequences of my actions, I am. But I'm good at ignoring things until they smack me in the face and even then I kinda like the pain. Perhaps this self destructive nature will lessen as I grow older, but as for now... I feel like we're just getting started.

Feeling pretty adventurous this week. Might go out and masturbate in some random parks

Uuuggghhhh I'm like losing my mind right now. My clit has been throbbing (unprovoked!) For the last 30ish minutes but it feels like an hour. I tried ignoring it, closing my eyes, and going to , but it wont work! The more frustrated I get the hotter my pussy gets and now I'm actually wet. Im going through such an ordeal right now and I just wanted to go to ! Thats it. Im putting a pillow under my body and humping it until the throbbing stops

I don't have many regrets. I dont regret fucking you, or thinking about getting with your best friend. My only regret is that I didn't fuck both of you at the same time

My day was so awesomely productive I feel blissfully exhausted. I just wanna take a long, hot shower; fill my tummy with food, curl up nakedly in bed, and watch a naughty video while I rub my smooth pussy against my pillow. Would gladly accept a hand with any or all of this

Something is very wrong with me lately. I've been dealing with high pressure this year and it could be my nutrition, health, stress, or the fact i smoke (bud) while taking birth control and thats a huge no-no. But I've been at like a 12 or 13 on my 1-5 stress meter. Panicattacks, blowing up, and randomly bursting into tears is happening so often I feel like i can barely control myself. There's a lot going on in my life if you wanna get down to it. Im not only fighting with people (family, friends, romances, acquaintances) I'm constantly fighting with myself. "Where should I be going? What should I be doing? How am I so stupid that I don't know? What could I be doing to find a way out of my situation without ruining my life? You're too weak to do this..." it's constant from the point that I wake up to the time that I barely . I've been getting headaches from my tiredness but every night I can't . I feel this massive amount of pressure on my body. It's as if I feel like my life is contingent to me figuring it out on time. I know there are people who never do and are still just fine, but its like there's this deadline on my mortality and if I can't obtain mental and financial independence in time I will simply cease to exist. I think that's because I believe I deserve that. If I were to live as a nothing, a souless husk of a human with no hopes or dreams or goals - I might as well be dead. That's the thing though, is I do have dreams and goals. I have desires and passions. I am very much human and alive. But i have these walls. Walls that keep other people out and me in. Walls that keep me safe but starve me. Im held back by money, lack of inspiration and discipline, and the constant negative influence of dictators. My family whom I live with - as difficult as it may be to believe - are harder on me than I am on myself. They judge me and say things to me that really make me wonder why I would be someone to deserve love, kindness, tenderness, or happiness. They have a way of making you feel dependent and all in one fell swoop. They know how to control you by crushing you and putting pressure on you to do things because you have to not because that thing would be the best thing for you. Psychology states that a who is told theyre doing well will continue to do well. A who is aware of being perceived as a trouble maker or a disappointment will display more of that behavior because it's expected of them. Probably another real reason as to why I feel like I have s deadline on my life. My family has such an iron grip on my livelihood that I partially feel like they'll be the ones to me if I dont do it first. I dont want to sound like a teenager complaining about my life as if I have no power to do anything about it. I really dont need someone telling me that it'll "get better" as I'm constantly reminded that it will. The fact that it could POSSIBLY get better is just as much of a fact that it could POSSIBLY stay the same, or even POSSIBLY get worse. When you encourage someone with "things will change" "things will get better" you completely ignore the fact of now for the chance if possability. I'm saying that its bad now. Im hurting now. Im struggling now. Im dying now. Not from now, not from now, not 30 days from now; now. - When I was a , I remember having a conversation with someone. I was and I don't remember who it was, where, or even their image but I remember asking them: "Things are so hard, and people seem to always be suffering. Does it ever get better? Are people ever okay? How will I be okay?" I remember him touching my shoulder and saying "[Keko] it doesn't get better. It doesn't get easier. It will actually get harder. But you, you will get better. You will learn and grow and become stronger and you will survive." I don't think of this memory often. It was before my age had reached double-digits, but his honesty to a childd probably just changed my life again over a decade later. That's the thing about advice. Sub-par leftbrained advice will get people through, but good - honest advice will bring people back. It'll bring people back down from whatever mountain they scaled and are now dealing with altitude sickness. It'll bring people back to themselves decades later.
I know that life is a struggle guys. I know that if I keep striving for change I could make it happen. I just lose my power to perceive anything other than the negative sometimes. Its like I wake up and there are these sirens going off signaling that its Armageddon and its now or ever. Talk about major fight or flight syndrome. Im sure it doesn't help that there is a literal hurricane outside of my house right now, but I'm less worried about a passing hurricane than I am the passing seasons of my life. I've thought about asking for help. Asking for someone to take me in so I can try to rebuild my spirit and my ambition under nonjudgmental eyes. Per my dreams and goals I mentionef earlier I'm trying to pursue better physical & mental health and nutrition while going to university to study philosophy to expand my perception, writing and arguing skills with the possibility of going on to study law. Seems like a really big plate to eat off of, huh? You're right. It takes a big person to partake in big things and just because I have the desire to do so, that doesn't mean I have the conditions enabling me to adapt into that person. I work with my family now in their business as all of my siblings do and our money returns to the house save what we use for parishables. (Aka You stay, you have to work, but you also have to pay to stay so there is no money left to try to move. It's pretty culty tbh) Ive thought about getting a second job, selling my things, or even monotizing my page here. I would like to monetize. It would be nice to get literally any help that I could to free myself and try to live independently. I could probably hold myself down if it meant liberation. Here's the thing, the thing that enables me to be so open and real on this website is because of the website it is. It's a pornsite and i am not a pornstar. I am a writer, I am a blogger, I'm a philosopher, a human, and I'm just a girl. A girl with emotions she can barely handle and a life that slaps her upside the face on a daily basis. Im a girl with beauty, intelligence, kindness and grace and yet I barely feel of any worth. I'm real, I'm here, I'm struggling, but I'm not trying to sell myself. My sexuality is my own. When I display pictures I do so in the name of beauty, art, and feminine sexuality. I want to display that a human with such complex factors can still feel like a human and experience desire, lust, and pleasure. It's weird Ik. Most people want money and attention and I agree, money and attention is great, but its nothing compared to the true values of life. Things like enlightenment, fulfilment, contentment, and the radiation of confident self sustaining person. Honestly, if pornhub popped up on my taxes my parents would me and bury me in a paupers grave! Perhaps I could set up a gofundme or patron or PayPal if you really do want to help me. I've always been a person to turn down help. I'd rather starve than admit I need it, but im spiritually starving and I think it's finally time to face the music and admit I can't do this by myself

, horny; Lazy Sunday. Kinda bored and wishing someone would take me for a long walk and find a semipublic place to touch my pussy..

Waking up and breaking down
Sounds poetic, probably just pathetic

My dreams are haunting me lately. I wake up with the images/deeds still lurking in my mind and they stick with me. My dream self is almost superhuman. Though I do nothing to go beyond the laws of nature, my "character" is everything that I've ever dreamed of being. She's calm, cool, and collected with this underlying bold, humorous, casually flirtatious, or intensely sexual personality. She sets her eyes on the person she desires and moves heaven and earth for them even if she doesn't outright say how she feels. She's casual and respectful, but not afraid to make it clear who she wants, and how. She's physically fit and capable of doing just about anything. I've seen her freedive, climb mountians, run for miles on end or hike entire continents, and even fight wars or to protect those she cares about. She smokes rolled joints, drinks at partys, and is relentless in her pursuits for adventure, pleasure, happiness, fulfillment, and.. women? Don't tell my parents but my dream self is extremely bisexual. She doesn't just "like" a girl. My dream self spots a girl and she is *attached* to her. She's bringing this girl candy, cooking and cleaning for her, and hosting an all-night all-you-can-eat buffet where the girls the main course. It's pretty intense. Im pretty intense. They're pretty intense. The whole situation is intense. If I'm not falling in love, seeking gratification, or pursuing a passion then I'm usually running for my life and trying to not die. All of this and still my dreams are better than real life.

                           Who elses clit is twitching so hard they can't focus on their Netflix show so they keep humping the pillow under their laptop? Anyone? Oh so it's just me.